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Saturday, March 24, 1984.
Shermer High School, Shermer, lllinois, 60062.
Dear Mr. Vernon...
We accept that we had to sacrifice...
a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong.
What we did was wrong...
but we think you're crazy to make us write an essay...
telling you who we think we are.
What do you care?
You see us as you want to see us...
in the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions.
You see us as a brain...
an athlete...
a basket case...
a princess...
and a criminal.
Correct?
That's the way we saw each other at 7:00 this morning.
We were brainwashed.
I can't believe you can't get me out of this.
It's so absurd I have to be here on a Saturday.
It's not like I'm a defective or anything.
I'll make it up to you.
Honey, ditching class to go shopping doesn't make you a defective.
Have a good day.
Is this the first or last time we do this?
Last.
Get in there and use the time to your advantage.
Mom, we're not supposed to study.
- Mister, you figure out a way to study. - Yeah.
Well, go!
Hey, I screwed around.
There's nothing wrong with that...
except you got caught, sport.
Yeah, Mom already reamed me, all right?
You want to miss a match? Blow your ride?
No school is going to give a scholarship to a discipline case.
Well, well. Here we are.
I want to congratulate you for being on time.
Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake.
I know it's detention, but, um, I don't think I belong in here.
It is now 7:06.
You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to think about why you're here.
- Ponder the error of your ways. -
You may not talk.
You will not move from these seats.
And you...
will not sleep.
All right, people, we're going to try something different today.
We are going to write an essay...
of no less than 1,000 words...
describing to me who you think you are.
- Is this a test? - When I say "essay," I mean essay.
I do not mean a single word repeated 1,000 times.
Is that clear, Mr. Bender?
- Crystal. - Good.
Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself.
Maybe you'll even decide whether you care to return.
You know, I can answer that right now, sir.
- That'd be "no" for me, because-- - Sit down, Johnson.
Thank you, sir.
My office is right across that hall.
Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?
Y eah, I got a question.
Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
I'll answer that, Mr. Bender, next Saturday.
Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.
That man is a brownie hound.
Keep eating your hand, you won't be hungry for lunch.
I've seen you before, you know.
Who I think I am.
Who are you?
I am a walrus.
It's the shits, huh?
I can't believe this is really happening to me.
Oh, shit!
What if we have to take a piss?
Please.
You got to go, you got to go.
- Oh, my God. - You're not urinating in here, man.
Don't talk. It'll crawl back up.
Whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor.
You're pretty sexy when you get angry.
Hey, home boy, why don't you go close that door?
We'll get the prom queen impregnated.
- Hey. Hey! - What?
If I lose my temper, you're totalled, man.
Totally?
Totally.
Why don't you shut up? Nobody's interested.
Really.
Buttface.
Hey, sporto, what'd you do to get in here?
Forget to wash your jock?
Excuse me, fellas, we should just write our papers.
Because you live here doesn't mean you can be a pain...
so knock it off!
It's a free country.
He's doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.
Sweets.
You couldn't ignore me if you tried.
So...
So.
Are you guys like boyfriend-girlfriend?
Steady dates?
Lovers?
Come on, sporto. Level with me.
Do you slip her the hot beef injection?
- Go to hell! - Enough!
Hey! What's going on in there?
Spoiled little pricks.
Scumbag.
Let's close that door.
We can't have a party with Vernon checking every few seconds.
The door's supposed to stay open.
- So what? - So why don't you shut up?
- There's four other people here. - God, you can count.
I knew you had to be smart to be a wrestler.
- Who are you to judge anybody? - Really.
Bender, you don't even count.
If you disappeared forever, it wouldn't make any difference.
You may as well not even exist at this school.
Well, I'll run right out and join the wrestling team.
Maybe the prep club, too, student council.
- Nah, they wouldn't take you. - I'm hurt.
- You know why you knock everything? - This should be stunning.
- Because you're afraid. - Oh, God, you richies are so smart.
That's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.
- You're a big coward. - I'm in the math club.
You're afraid you don't belong, so you just dump all over it.
It wouldn't have anything to do with...
you activities people being assholes, would it?
You wouldn't know. You don't know any of us.
Well, I don't know any lepers either...
but I'm not joining their fucking clubs.
- Watch the mouth. - I'm in the physics club too.
Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?
What I said was that...
I'm in the math club, the Latin club and the physics club. Physics club.
Hey. Cherry.
- Do you belong to the physics club? - That's an academic club.
So?
So academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Ah, but to dorks like him, they are.
What do you guys do in your club?
In physics, well, we talk about physics, uh, properties of physics.
So it's sort of social.
Demented and sad, but social, right?
I guess you could consider it a social situation.
Um, there are other children in my club.
And, uh, at the end of the year, we have, um...
- a big banquet at the Hilton. - You load up. You party.
No. We get dressed up, but we don't get high.
Only burners like you get high.
I didn't have shoes, so I had to borrow my dad's.
My mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes.
My cousin Kendall from lndiana got high once.
He started eating, like, really weird foods...
and then he felt like he didn't belong anywhere.
Kind of "Twilight Zone," kinda.
Sounds like you.
You guys keep talking and Vernon's gonna come in here.
I got a meet Saturday, and I'm not missing it because of you boneheads.
Oh, wouldn't that be a bite, huh?
Missing a whole wrestling meet?
You wouldn't know about it, faggot.
You never competed in your life.
Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside.
I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around with other guys.
You'd never miss it. You don't have any goals.
- But I do. - Yeah?
I want to be just like you.
I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights.
You wear tights?
No, I don't wear tights.
I wear the required uniform.
Tights.
Shut up.
Ooh.
There's not supposed to be any monkey business.
Young man, have you finished your paper?
Bender, don't screw around.
- What are you gonna do? - Drop dead, I hope.
All right!
Bender, that's school property.
It doesn't belong to us. It's not to be toyed with.
- Very funny. Fix it. - You should fix that.
- Am I a genius? - No, you're an asshole.
- Funny guy. Everyone, just shh. - Fix the door, Bender!
- I know what I'm doing. - Fix the door!
Shut up!
Goddamn it!
Why is that door closed?
Why is that door closed!
How are we supposed to know? We can't move, right?
Why?
We're just sitting here, like we're supposed to.
Who closed that door?
- I think a screw fell out of it. - It just closed, sir.
- Who! - Aah!
- She doesn't talk, sir. - Eek!
- Give me that screw. - I don't have it.
You want me to shake it out of you?
I don't have it. Screws fall out all the time.
- The world's an imperfect place. - Give it to me, Bender.
- Sir, why would anybody steal a screw? - Watch it, young lady.
The door's way too heavy, sir.
Damn it!
Andrew Clark, get up here.
Front and center. Let's go.
- How come Andrew gets to get up? - That's right.
If he gets up, we'll all get up. It'll be anarchy.
- Okay, watch the magazines. - It's out of my hands.
That's very clever, sir...
but what if there's a fire?
I think violating fire codes...
and endangering the lives of children would be unwise...
at this juncture in your career, sir.
What are you doing? Get this out, for God's sake.
- What's the matter with you? - The school's equipped with fire exits.
- Show Dick some respect. - Let's go.
Get in your seat.
I expected more from a varsity letterman.
You're not fooling anybody, Bender.
The next screw that falls out will be you.
Eat my shorts.
What was that?
Eat...
my...
shorts.
You just bought another Saturday, mister.
Oh, I'm crushed.
- One more right there. - I'm free the next Saturday.
- Beyond that, I'll check my calendar. - Good! It's gonna be filled.
We'll keep going. You want another one?
Say the word. Just say it.
Instead of going to prison, you'll come here.
- Are you through? - No.
- I'm doing society a favor. - So?
That's another!
I've got you the rest of your life if you don't watch it.
- You want another? - Yes.
You got it! That's another one, pal.
Cut it out!
- Stop. - You through?
- Not even close, bud. - Good!
- You got one more. - You really think I give a shit?
Another.
- You through? - How many is that?
That's seven including the first one when you asked...
whether Barry Manilow knew he raided his closet.
- Now it's eight. Stay out of it. - Sir, it's seven.
Shut up, peewee.
You're mine, Bender. For two months, I got you.
I got you.
What can I say? I'm thrilled.
That's exactly what you want them to believe.
You know something?
You should spend more time doing something with yourself...
and less time trying to impress people.
Might be better off.
Right, that's it!
I'll be outside those doors.
The next time I have to come in here, I'm cracking skulls.
Fuck you!
Fuck.
Wake up!
Who has to go to the lavatory?
That's real intelligent.
You're right.
It's wrong to destroy literature.
It's such fun to read.
And...
"Molay" really pumps my 'nads.
Moliere.
I love his work.
Big deal.
Nothing to do, locked in a vacancy.
Ah, speak for yourself.
You think I'd speak for you?
I don't know your language.
Hey...
you grounded tonight?
I don't know. My mom said I was, but my dad said to blow her off.
There's a big party at Stubby's. Parents are in Europe.
- It should be pretty wild. - Yeah?
- Yeah. Are you going to go? - I doubt it.
How come?
If I disobey my mother, it's because my father says it's okay.
It's like this whole monster deal. It's endless and a total drag.
- Any minute, divorce. - Who do you like better?
- What? - You like your old man better?
- They're both screwed. - I mean if you had to choose.
I don't know.
I'd probably go live with my brother.
I don't think either one gives a shit about me.
They use me to get back at each other.
Ha!
Shut up!
- You're feeling sorry for yourself. - If I didn't, nobody else would.
You're breaking my heart.
- Sporto? - What?
You get along with your parents?
If I say yes, I'm an idiot, right?
You're an idiot anyway...
but if you say yes, you're a liar too.
You know something, man?
If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you.
Can you hear this?
You want me to turn it up?
Hey, fellas, I mean--
I don't like my parents, either. I mean, I don't--
I mean, I don't get along with them when...
their idea of parental compassion is just, you know...
wacko, you know?
- Dork. - Y eah?
You are a parent's wet dream, okay?
That's the problem.
Look, I can see you're getting all bunged up...
for them making you wear these clothes...
but, face it, you're a neo-maxi-zoom-dweeby.
What would you do if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?
Why do you have to insult everybody?
I'm being honest, asshole.
I would expect you to know the difference.
- Well, he's got a name. - Yeah?
Yeah. What's your name?
- Brian. - See?
My condolences.
What's your name?
What's yours?
- Claire. - Claire?
- Claire. It's a family name. - It's a fat girl's name.
- Thank you. - Your welcome.
- I'm not fat. - Not now...
but I can see you really pushing maximum density.
You see, I'm not sure if you know this...
but there are two kinds of fat people.
There's fat people that were born to be fat...
and fat people that were once thin but became fat.
When you look at them, you can sorta see that thin person inside.
You're gonna get married, squeeze out a few puppies and then...
Oh.
Obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.
I'm not that pristine.
Are you a virgin?
I'll bet you a million dollars that you are.
Let's end the suspense.
Is it gonna to be a white wedding?
Why don't you just shut up?
Have you kissed a boy on the mouth?
Have you ever been felt up...
over the bra...
under the blouse...
shoes off...
hoping to God your parents don't walk in?
Do you want me to puke?
Over the panties...
no bra...
blouse unbuttoned...
Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past 11:00 on a school night?
Leave her alone.
I said leave her alone.
You going to make me?
Y eah.
You and how many of your friends?
Just me.
Just you and me.
Two hits. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor.
Anytime you're ready, pal.
I don't want to get into this with you, man.
Why not?
'Cause I'd kill you.
It's real simple.
I'd kill you, and your fucking parents would sue me.
And it'd be a big mess, and I don't care enough about you to bother.
Chicken shit.
Let's end this now.
You don't talk to her.
You don't look at her.
And you don't even think about her! Understand me?
I'm trying to help her.
Brian, how you doing?
Your dad work here?
- Uh, Carl? - What?
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- How does one become a janitor? - You want to be a janitor?
No, I want to know how one becomes a janitor...
because Andrew's very interested in a career in the custodial arts.
Really?
You think I'm some untouchable peasant, serf, peon?
Y eah?
Maybe so.
From following a broom after shitheads like you...
I've learned a couple of things.
I look through your letters.
Look through your lockers.
I listen to your conversations. You don't know that, but I do.
I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends.
By the way, that clock's 20 minutes fast.
Shit.
All right, girls. Thirty minutes for lunch.
- Here? - Here.
I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place, sir.
I don't care what you think, Andrew.
Dick.
Excuse me, Rich.
Will milk be made available?
We're extremely thirsty.
I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.
I've seen her dehydrate, sir. It's pretty gross.
- Relax. I'll get it. - Uh-uh-uh.
Grab some wood, bub.
You think I was born yesterday?
Think I'm going to let you roam these halls?
You.
And you.
Hey!
What's her name? Wake her up.
Hey! Come on! On your feet, Missy. Let's go.
This isn't a rest home.
There's soda in the teachers' lounge.
Let's go!
So...
what's your poison?
What do you drink?
Okay. Forget I asked.
Vodka.
Vodka?
When do you drink vodka?
Whenever.
- A lot? - Tons.
Is that why you're here today?
- Why are you here? - Why are you here?
Um...
I'm here today because...
my coach and my father...
don't want me to blow my ride.
I get treated differently...
because Coach thinks I'm a winner. So does my old man.
I'm not a winner because I want to be.
I'm a winner because I have strength and speed.
Kinda like a racehorse.
That's about how involved I am in what's happening to me.
Y eah?
That's very interesting.
Now, why don't you tell me why you're really in here?
Forget it.
Claire, want to see a picture of a guy with elephantitis of the nuts?
- It's pretty tasty. - No, thank you.
How do you think he rides a bike?
Oh, Claire?
Would you ever consider dating a guy like this?
- Can't you just leave me alone? - If he had a great personality...
was a good dancer and had a cool car?
You'd probably have to ride in the backseat...
because his nuts would ride shotgun.
- You know what I wish I was doing? - Careful. Brian is a cherry.
- Cherry? - I wish I was on a plane...
- to France. - I'm not a cherry.
- When have you ever been laid? - I've laid lots of times.
- Name one. - She lives in Canada.
Met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn't know her.
Ever laid anyone around here?
Oh. You and Claire did it?
- What are you talking about? - Nothing. Nothing.
- Drop it. We'll talk about it later. - Drop what?
Brian's telling me that, in addition to a number of girls...
in the Niagara Falls area, that presently...
you and he are riding the hobby horse.
- Little pig. - No, I'm not!
John said I was a cherry, and I said I wasn't. That's it.
What were you motioning to Claire for?
- I don't appreciate this, Brian. - He is lying.
You weren't motioning to Claire?
- You know he's lying. - Were you or were you not?
Yeah, but it was only--
It was only because I didn't want her to know I'm a virgin.
Excuse me for being a virgin.
Why didn't you want me to know?
Because it's personal. It's my personal, private business.
It doesn't sound like you're doing any business.
I think it's okay for a guy to be a virgin.
You do?
- What's in there? - Guess.
Where's your lunch?
You're wearing it.
You're nauseating.
What's that?
- Sushi. - Sushi?
Rice, raw fish and seaweed.
You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth but you'll eat that?
Can I eat?
I don't know. Give it a try.
What's your problem?
What are we having?
Uh...it's your standard regular lunch, I guess.
Milk?
Soup.
- Uh...that's apple juice. - I can read.
PB&J with the crusts cut off.
Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch.
All the food groups are represented.
Did your Mom marry Mr. Rogers?
- No, Mr. Johnson. - Ah.
Here's my impression...
of life at big Bri's house.
Son?
Yeah, Dad?
How's your day, pal?
Great, Dad. How's yours?
Super.
Say, son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend?
Great, Dad, but I've got homework to do.
That's all right, son. You can do it on the boat.
Gee!
Dear, isn't our son swell?
Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?
Oh.
All right. What about your family?
- Who, mine? - Yeah.
It's real easy.
Stupid...
worthless...
no good, goddamn...
freeloading, son of a bitch.
Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all...
asshole, jerk.
You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
Shut up, bitch!
Go fix me a turkey potpie.
What about you, Dad?
Fuck you.
No, Dad. What about you?
Fuck you!
What about you!
Fuck you!
Bam!
- Is that for real? - You wanna come over some time?
That's bullshit. It's all part of your image.
- I don't believe a word of it. - You don't believe me?
- No. - No?
Did I stutter?
Do you believe this? Huh?
It's about the size of a cigar. Do I stutter?
This is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage.
See, I don't think I need to sit with you fucking dildos anymore.
Ahh!
Fuck!
You shouldn't have said that.
How did I know?
I mean he lies about everything anyway.
Oh, shit.
Coffee.
Looks like it's scraped off the bottom of the Mississippi River.
Everything's polluted. Everything's polluted.
The coffee, the kids are polluted.
- How do you know where Vernon went? - I don't.
- How do you know when he'll be back? - I don't.
Being bad feels pretty good, huh?
What's the point in going to Bender's locker?
Beats me.
This is so stupid. Why do you think--
- Why are we risking getting caught? - I don't know.
So then what are we doing?
Ask one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you.
Sorry.
- You're such a slob. - My maid's on vacation.
It's drugs.
Screw that, Bender. Put it back.
Drugs. The boy has marijuana.
- That was marijuana. - Shut up, dick.
Do you approve of this?
We'll cross through the lab and double back.
You better be right. If Vernon cuts us off, it's your fault.
What'd he say? Where are we going?
Wait. Wait. Hold it.
- We have to go through the cafeteria. - No, the activities hall.
- You don't know what you're saying. - No, you don't!
We're through listening to you. We're going this way.
Go where you want, motorhead.
Come on!
- Shit! - Great idea, jagoff.
- Fuck you. - Why didn't you listen to John?
We're dead.
No.
- Just me. - What do you mean?
Get back to the library. Keep your pants on.
That son of a bitch.
Ahh!
Three...
two...
one!
Ahh!
Bender! Bender! What is this?
- What are you doing here? - Hi.
Out. That's it, Bender. Out. It's over.
- Don't you want to hear my excuse? - Out.
- I might try out for a scholarship. - Give me the ball.
Give me that ball.
Get your stuff. Let's go.
Mr. Wise Guy took it upon himself to go to the gymnasium.
I'm sorry to inform you...
you'll be without his services for the rest of the day.
- B-o-o h-o-o. - Everything's a big joke, huh, Bender?
The false alarm you pulled Friday. False alarms are really funny.
What if your home-- What if your family--
What if your dope was on fire?
Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.
You think he's funny?
You think this is cute? He's "bitchin"? Is that it?
Let me tell you something.
Look at him.
He's a bum.
Want to see something funny?
You go visit John Bender in five years. You'll see how funny he is.
What's the matter, John? You gonna cry?
Let's go.
Keep your fuckin' hands off me!
I expect better manners from you, Dick.
For better hallway vision.
That's the last time, Bender.
The last time you ever make me look bad in front of them.
I make $31,000 a year and have a home.
I'm not throwing it away on some punk like you.
But someday, man, someday...
when you're gone and have forgotten about this place...
and they've forgotten you, and you're wrapped up in your pathetic life...
I'm gonna be there.
That's right.
I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you.
I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt.
- You threatening me? - What are you gonna do about it?
You think anybody will believe you?
You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine?
I'm a man of respect around here. They love me. I'm a swell guy.
You're a lying sack of shit, and everybody knows it.
Oh, you're a real tough guy. Hey, hey. Come on.
Get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are!
I want to know right now how tough you are.
I'll give you the first punch.
Come on. Right here. Just take the first shot.
Please. I'm begging you. Take a shot. Right here.
Just take one shot. That's all I need. Just one swing.
That's what I thought.
You're a gutless turd.
A naked blonde walks into a bar...
with a poodle under one arm...
and a salami under the other.
She lays the poodle on the table.
Bartender says, "You won't be needing a drink."
Naked lady says--
Oh, shit!
Jesus Christ almighty!
Forgot my pencil.
Goddamn it!
What in God's name is going on in here?
- What was that ruckus? - What ruckus?
I was in my office and I heard a ruckus.
- Could you describe the ruckus, sir? - Watch your tongue, young man.
Ah!
What is this?
- Vvvvt! - What is that?
What is that noise?
- What noise? - Really, sir, there wasn't any noise.
- Ah! - Ah!
Ow!
Was that the noise you were talking about?
That was not the noise I was talking about.
I may not have caught you in the act this time...
- but you can bet I will. -
You make book on that, missy.
And you!
I will not be made a fool of.
Ah!
It was an accident.
You're an asshole.
Sue me.
Ahab, can I have all my doobage?
Y o, wastoid, you're not gonna blaze up in here.
Shit.
Chicks cannot hold dey smoke.
That's what it is.
Do you know how popular I am?
I am so popular.
Everybody loves me so much at this school.
Sure they do.
Whoo!
- Ow! - Aagh!
Aaahhh!
Mister...
Oh, Mr. Tierney.
"A history of slight mental illness."
No wonder he's so fucked up.
Good afternoon, Dick.
Hey, Carl.
How you doing? What's up?
Not much.
What are you doing in the basement files?
Oh, nothing. Just a little homework.
- Homework, huh? - Y eah.
Confidential files, huh?
Look, Carl, this is a highly sensitive area, and I'll tell you...
certain people would be very, very embarrassed.
I'd really appreciate it if this would be something...
that you and I could-- we could keep between us.
- What'll you do for me, man? - What would you like?
- Got 50 bucks? - What?
Fifty bucks.
No, no, no, man.
You got a middle name?
Y eah, I guess.
Your middle name is Ralph.
As in "puke."
Your birthday is March 12th...
you're 5'9 1/2"...
you weigh 130 pounds...
and your social security number...
is 049-38-0913.
Wow!
Are you psychic?
No.
How do you know all this about me?
I stole your wallet.
- Give it to me. - No.
Give it.
- This is great. You're a thief too? - I'm not a thief.
- Multi-talented. - What's there to steal?
- Two bucks and a beaver shot. - A what?
He's got a nudie picture. I saw it. It's perverted.
Let's see it.
- Are all these your girlfriends? - Some of them.
What about the others?
Well, some I consider my girlfriends...
- and some I just consider. - Consider what?
Whether or not I want to hang out with them.
You don't believe in one guy, one girl?
- Do you? - Y eah. That's the way it should be.
- Well, not for me. - Why not?
How come you got so much shit in your purse?
- Why do you have so many girlfriends? - I asked you first.
I don't know. I guess I never throw anything away.
Neither do l.
Oh.
This is the worst fake l.D. I've ever seen.
You realize you made yourself 68?
- I know. I goofed it. - What do you need a fake l.D. for?
So I can vote.
You want to see what's in my bag?
- No. - No.
Holy shit.
- What is all that stuff? - Do you always carry this much shit?
Yeah.
I always carry this much shit in my bag.
You never know when you may have to jam.
Are you going to be, like, a shopping bag lady?
Like, sit in alleyways and talk to buildings.
- Wear men's shoes. - I'll do what I have to do.
Why do you have to do anything?
My home life...
is unsatisfying.
You'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of Chicago's streets...
because your home life is unsatisfying?
I don't have to run away and live in the street.
I can run away, and I can go to the ocean...
the country, the mountains, lsrael, Africa...
Afghanistan.
Andy, you want to get in on this?
Allison says she wants to run away...
because her home life is unsatisfying.
Well, everyone's home life is unsatisfying.
If it wasn't, people would live with their parents forever.
Yeah, I understand, but I think hers...
goes beyond what guys like you and me...
consider "normal" unsatisfying.
Never mind. Forget it. Everything's cool.
- What's the deal? - No. There's no deal, sporto.
- Forget it. Leave me alone. - Wait a minute.
You're carrying all that crap in your purse.
Either you really want to run away or you want people to think that.
Eat shit.
The girl is an island unto herself. Okay?
Hi.
- You want to talk? - No.
Why not?
Go away.
- Where do you want me to go? - Go away.
- You have problems. - Oh, I have problems?
You do everything everybody tells you! That is a problem.
Okay, fine. But I didn't dump my purse out on the couch...
and invite people into my problems.
Did l?
So what's wrong? What is it?
Is it bad? Real bad?
Parents?
Y eah.
What did they do to you?
They ignore me.
Y eah.
What did you want to be when you were young?
I wanted to be John Lennon.
Carl, don't be a goof.
I'm trying to be serious.
Carl, I've been teaching for 22 years.
And each year...
these kids get more arrogant.
Aw, bullshit, man.
Come on, Vern.
The kids haven't changed, you have.
You're teaching because you thought it would be fun.
Thought you could have summer vacations off.
Then you discovered it was work.
That bummed you out.
These kids turned on me.
They think I'm a big fucking joke.
Come off it.
If you were 16...
what would you think of you?
Do you think I care what these kids think?
Y es, I do.
Think about this.
When we get old...
these kids will be running the country.
Y eah.
This thought wakes me at night--
When I get older...
these kids will take care of me.
I wouldn't count on it.
What would I do for a million bucks?
As little as I had to.
- That's boring. - How am I supposed to answer?
The idea is to search your mind for the absolute limit.
Like, would you drive to school naked?
- Would I have to get out of the car? - Of course.
- In the spring or winter? - Doesn't matter. Spring.
- In the front or back of school? - Either one.
Y es.
I'd do that.
I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars either.
- You're lying. - I already have.
I've done just about everything except a few things that are illegal.
I'm a nymphomaniac.
Lie.
- Are your parents aware of this? - I've only told my shrink.
- What did he do when you told him? - He nailed me.
Very nice.
I don't think, from a legal standpoint, what he did...
can be construed as rape since I paid him.
- He's an adult. - Y eah. He's married too.
Ugh. Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
- Well, the first few times-- - "The first few times"!
- You mean he did it more than once? - Sure.
- Are you crazy? - Obviously. She's screwing her shrink.
Have you ever done it?
I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Have you ever done it with a normal person?
- Didn't we already cover this? - You never answered.
I won't discuss my private life with total strangers.
- It's kind of a double-edged sword. - A what?
Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude.
If you say you have, you're a slut.
It's a trap. You want to, but you can't.
Then when you do, you wish you didn't. Right?
- Wrong. - Or are you a tease?
She's a tease.
I'm sure. Why don't you forget it?
You're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.
She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
- I don't do anything! - That's why you're a tease.
- Let me ask you something. - I told you everything.
Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love?
- Don't you want respect? - I don't screw to get respect.
That's the difference between you and me.
That's not the only difference.
- Face it. You're a tease. - I'm not a tease!
Sure you are. Sex is your weapon. You said it yourself.
You use it to get respect.
I never said that. She twisted my words around.
- What do you use it for then? - I don't use it, period!
Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
I didn't mean it that way. You're putting words into my mouth!
Just answer the question.
- Be honest. - No big deal. Answer it.
- Answer the question, Claire. - Talk to us.
Come on. Answer it.
- It's only one question. - No! I never did it!
I never did it either.
I'm not a nymphomaniac.
I'm a compulsive liar.
You are such a bitch!
You did that on purpose just to fuck me over.
I would do it. If you love someone, it's okay.
I can't believe you. You're so weird.
You don't say anything all day. Then, when you open your mouth...
you unload all these tremendous lies all over me.
You're just pissed off because she got you to admit to something.
Fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre.
What's bizarre? We're all pretty bizarre.
Some of us are better at hiding it.
How are you bizarre?
He can't think for himself.
She's right.
Know what I did to get in here?
I taped Larry Lester's buns together.
That was you?
You know him?
Yeah, I know him.
Then you know how hairy he is.
When they pulled the tape off...
most of his hair and some skin came too.
Oh, my God.
And the bizarre thing is...
that I did it for my old man.
I tortured this poor kid...
because I wanted him to think I was cool.
He was always going off about...
you know, when he was in school...
all the wild things he used to do.
I got the feeling he was disappointed...
that I never cut loose on anyone, right?
So I'm sitting in the locker room...
and I'm taping up my knee...
and Larry's undressing...
a couple of lockers down from me.
And he's kind of--
He's kind of skinny, weak.
I started thinking about my father...
and his attitude about weakness.
The next thing I knew...
I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him.
My friends just laughed and cheered me on.
And afterwards...
when I was sitting in Vernon's office...
all I could think about...
was Larry's father...
and Larry having to go home...
and explain what happened to him.
And the humiliation...
the fucking humiliation he must have felt.
It must have been unreal.
How do you apologize for something like that?
There's no way.
It's all because of me and my old man.
God, I fucking hate him.
He's like this--
He's like this mindless machine I can't relate to anymore.
"Andrew!
You've got to be number one!
I won't tolerate any losers in this family.
Your intensity is for shit!
Win! Win! Win!"
You son of a bitch.
You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give.
Then I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore.
Then he could forget all about me.
I think your old man and mine should get together and go bowling.
Like with my grades...
Iike when l-- when l--
Iike when I step outside of myself, you know?
And I see me...
I don't like what I see.
I really don't.
What's wrong with you?
Why don't you like yourself?
Sounds stupid, but...
because I'm failing shop.
We had this assignment, you know...
to make this ceramic elephant.
And, um...
we're supposed to--
It was like a lamp.
When you pull the trunk, the light goes on.
My light didn't go on.
I got an "F" on it.
I've never got an "F" in my life.
When I signed up for the course...
I thought I was playing it smart.
I thought, "I'll take shop. It'll be such an easy way...
to maintain my grade point average."
Why'd you think it'd be easy?
Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?
I take shop. You must be a fucking idiot.
Because I can't make a lamp?
No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.
- What do you know about trigonometry? - I could care less about it.
Without trigonometry, there'd be no engineering.
- Without lamps, there'd be no light. - So neither of you is better--
I can write with my toes.
I can also eat, brush my teeth--
- With your feet? - Play the piano.
- I can make spaghetti. - What can you do?
I can, uh, tape all your buns together.
- I want to see what Claire can do. - I can't do anything.
Everybody can do something.
There's one thing I can do.
Forget it. It's way too embarrassing.
Ever seen "Wild Kingdom"? He's been on for 30 years.
Okay.
You have to swear to God you won't laugh.
Okay.
I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
That's great!
Where'd you learn to do that?
Camp, seventh grade.
That was great, Claire.
My image of you is totally blown.
You're a shit. Don't do that to her.
- You swore to God you wouldn't laugh. - Am I laughing?
You fucking prick!
What do you care what I think?
I don't even count, right?
I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference.
I may as well not even exist at this school. Remember?
And, you, don't like me anyway.
I have just as many feelings as you do.
And it hurts just as much when somebody steps on them.
God, you're so pathetic!
Don't you ever...
ever, compare yourself to me, okay?
You got everything, and I got shit.
Fucking Rapunzel, right?
School would probably shut down if you didn't show up!
Queenie isn't here.
I like those earrings, Claire.
Shut up.
- Are those real diamonds, Claire? - Just shut up.
I bet they are.
- Did you work for the money for those? - Shut your mouth.
- Or did Daddy buy them for you? - Shut up!
I bet he bought those.
I bet those were a Christmas gift, right?
Know what I got for Christmas?
It was a banner-fucking-year at the Bender family.
I got a carton of cigarettes.
The old man grabbed me and said, "Smoke up, Johnny."
Go home and cry to your daddy. Don't cry here, okay?
Will we be like our parents?
Not me...
ever.
It's unavoidable.
Just happens.
What happens?
When you grow up...
your heart dies.
Who cares?
I care.
I was just thinking, I mean...
I know it's kind of a weird time...
but I was just wondering, um...
what will happen on Monday?
When we're all together again.
I consider you guys my friends.
Am I wrong?
No.
So on Monday, what happens?
Still friends, you mean?
If we're friends now?
Yeah.
Want the truth?
Yeah, I want the truth.
I don't think so.
With all of us or just John?
With all of you.
- That's a real nice attitude, Claire. - Oh, be honest, Andy.
If Brian came up to you on Monday, what would you do?
Picture this. You're there with all the sports.
You know exactly what you'd do. You'd say hi and when he left...
you'd cut him up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him.
No way.
Okay. What if I came up to you?
- The same exact thing. - You are a bitch!
Why? Because I'm telling the truth, I'm a bitch?
No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone.
And you don't have the balls to stand up to your friends.
What about you, you hypocrite?
Why don't you take Allison to a heavy metal vomit party.
Take Brian or Andy out to the parking lot to get high. Or me?
What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together?
They'd laugh their asses off.
You'd say we were doing it, so they'd forgive you.
Don't talk about my friends! You don't know them. You don't look at them.
And you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to them.
Just stick to what you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW...
- your drunk mother in the Caribbean-- - Shut up!
As far as being concerned about us walking down the hallways together.
Forget it! It'll never happen!
Just bury your head and wait for your fucking prom!
- I hate you! - Yeah? Good!
I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys?
Us weirdos?
- Would you do that to me? - I don't have any friends.
- Well, if you did? - No.
I don't think my kind of friends would mind.
I just want to tell each of you that I wouldn't do that.
I wouldn't and I will not.
Because I think that's real shitty.
Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.
You're so conceited, Claire.
You're so conceited.
You're so full of yourself. Why?
I'm not saying that to be conceited.
I hate having to go along with everything my friends say.
Then why do you do it?
I don't know. I don't--
You don't understand. You don't--
You're not friends with the people Andy and I are friends with.
You don't understand the pressure they can put on you.
I don't understand what?
You think I don't understand pressure?
Well, fuck you!
Fuck you!
You know why I'm here today?
Do you?
I'm here...because...
Mr. Ryan found a gun in my locker.
- Why'd you have a gun? - I tried.
You pull the fucking trunk...
and the light's supposed to go on.
It didn't go on. I mean, l--
- What's the gun for? - Just forget it.
You brought it up, man.
I can't have an "F."
I can't have it...
and I know my parents can't have it.
Even if I ace the rest of the semester...
I'm still only a "B." Everything's ruined for me.
Brian.
Considering my options, you know?
- Killing yourself is not an option. - I didn't do it, did l!
No. I don't think so.
It was a handgun?
It was a flare gun. Went off in my locker.
Really?
It's not funny.
Yes, it is.
Fucking elephant was destroyed.
Know what I did to get in here?
Nothing.
I didn't have anything better to do.
You're laughing at me.
No.
Yeah, you are.
Brian?
Hmm?
Are you going to write your paper?
Yeah. Why?
It's a waste for all of us to write our paper.
Vernon wants us to.
True, but I think we'd all kinda say the same thing.
You just don't want to write your paper, right?
True, but...
you're the smartest, right?
Well...
We trust you.
Yeah.
All right.
I'll do it.
Great.
Come on.
Where are we going?
Come on.
Don't be afraid.
Don't stick that in my eye.
I'm not sticking it. Just-- Go like that.
- Good. -
You look better without all that black shit on your eyes.
Hey, I like that black shit.
This looks a lot better.
Look up.
Please.
Why are you being so nice to me?
'Cause you're letting me.
You lost?
Thank you.
Why'd you do that?
'Cause I knew you wouldn't.
You said before your parents use you to get back at each other.
Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?
Were you really disgusted about what I did with my lipstick?
Truth?
Truth.
No.
What happened to you?
Why? Claire did it.
What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong. It's just...
just so different.
I can see your face.
Is that good or bad?
That's good.
See you, Brian.
See you next Saturday.
You bet.
Dear Mr. Vernon...
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice...
a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong.
We think you're crazy to make us write an essay on who we think we are.
You see us as you want to see us...
in the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions.
But what we found out...
is that each one of us is a brain...
- and an athlete... - and a basket case...
- a princess... - and a criminal.
Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours...
the Breakfast Club.
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